Over the years, I’ve liked more boys than I can count on my fingers and toes. Such feelings have varied in intensity, from schoolgirl crushes to full-blown, sickly-sweet love. But, in between all the dating faux pas and failed romances, I think I’ve only really loved three people in my life to date. And when I say loved, I mean it in the way that your insides feel all funny when you see them, your heart beats faster when you think of them, and when such love ends, it hurts. Heartbreak aside, it’s what I’ve learnt from these individuals and how they’ve contributed to my personal growth that I value most. So, without further ado, let me introduce you to The First, The Second and The Third. The First Everyone has a first love, don’t they? Maybe not that deep “I’m in love with you” kind of love, but that kind of “love at first sight” love where from the moment you lock eyes, you both know: it’s on. At 18, I was what I would describe as a “former ugly duckling just turned swan”, like a girl realising that she is fast becoming a woman before she really has the chance to process what’s happening. Having attended an all girls high school, I was unsure how to handle attention from boys, almost working myself into a state of panic any time one approached me to say “hi”. The First, who I met through a job I had during my time at university, was popular, confident and charismatic - so, pretty much the antithesis of my former self. The exact moment I recognised my attraction to him was when we passed each other in a narrow corridor and began following each other with our eyes. From that moment, we were like two magnets, drifting towards one another whenever in close proximity and searching for one another when not. It was fun, exciting, and, for at least a short while, it felt as though (cue vomit) we only had eyes for each other. But when you’re young and seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses, not everything is necessarily as it seems. My heart broke little by little as he grew distant, spent less time, and eventually, dismissed me almost entirely. And just like that, I went back to feeling like that ugly ducking all over again, wondering what I could’ve possibly done to make him think differently of me. Of course, I now understand, it’s never really about you. As it turns out “it’s not you, it’s me” is actually pretty legitimate. Although I was crushed at the time, as the old saying goes, time heals all wounds, and life goes on. Even after I left that job, The First and I still ran into each other frequently. These two magnets, now trying to stay apart, managed to keep finding their way back to one another. Although there was never an intention to rekindle what we once had, that feeling was still there. Such unprecedented chemistry is hard to shake, let alone forget. We’ve still kept in touch over the years, albeit sporadically. Whenever we do reconnect, however, it’s as if nothing has changed (although, a lot has changed). There’s something incredibly comforting about that, even if it’s not a catalyst for anything more than nostalgia and reliving old memories. Despite the various ups and downs in our relationship, both past and present, this love still holds a special place in my heart. After all, he was, and will always be, the first. The Second Ahh, The Second. I don’t think I’ve ever loved and hated someone so much simultaneously. Love is an incredibly powerful emotion, and even when you know it’s wrong, you’ll do anything to try and make it right, because in that moment, the thought of living your life without them doesn’t seem possible. During my final year of undergrad, and after several failed romances, I decided to bite the bullet and give Tinder a crack. A few unsuccessful dates later, I met The Second. Everything seemed to happen so organically - nothing about us was forced, and it just felt, well, right. He was the first person who I truly fell in love with, and it didn’t take more than a few months. The honeymoon period, in hindsight, was short-lived, and like any relationship, it wasn’t perfect. I could go into detail, but that would be require me to dig into the depths of mind to try and recall anything that I haven’t already erased. And, to be fair, it’s just sad, discussing the things that once made you feel like a shell of a human being. When you find out that you’ve been constantly lied to throughout the duration of your relationship, it’s hard to determine fact from fiction. Honestly, I’m not even sure if he knew the difference either. Is it possible to become so entangled in your lies that even you start to believe they’re true? Sometimes I wonder if that’s what he thought - everything he said was with absolute conviction. It made me feel physically ill realising that this person who I had spent all this time with was not who he had made himself out to be. Beneath the lies, the cheating, the manipulation, the unstable mood swings, narcissistic tendencies, and just plain nastiness, I don’t think he knew who he really was either. Being with someone like The Second was hard, particularly in those last few months where we were still together, but not quite together. Not understanding how his mind worked and how he operated became an obsession. I wanted to understand, I had to - I still loved him, after all. But ultimately, all the care in the world didn’t make a difference. He had no desire to change, and eventually, I had nothing left to give. Whenever (rather if) I think of The Second now, I feel, well, nothing. It’s almost as if we were never involved in each other’s lives to begin with. Isn’t it crazy how two people can go from being so in love to being nothing at all? “You are just the worst.” Those are the last words that I said to The Second before hanging up the phone and closing that chapter in my life for good. But, if I had the chance to add anything to that now? Well, I’d say this: “Thank you for making me the strong, no bullshit woman that I am today.” The Third They say you find love when you least expect it, and even with my eyes wide open, I couldn’t have seen The Third coming from a mile away. We met through mutual friends on a night out. After being briefly introduced, we all headed to a local bar for (more than) a few drinks. Having not paid much attention to him throughout the evening, it wasn’t until my friend whispered in my ear and said something that resulted in one of those personal light-bulb moments: “So, what do you think about him?” Before I knew it, The Third and I were waking up together the next morning in a location that could only be described as precarious. Whoops. Feeling slightly worse for wear, we got up and made ourselves look somewhat presentable before he dropped me back off at my friend’s place. Not really knowing what to say, I just awkwardly patted his leg before saying “see ya”, assuming that what had just happened would not be happening again. Half an hour later, we were sitting at opposite ends of the table with our friends over brunch, looking a little sheepish and feeling substantially hungover. Several text messages and just over two months later, we went on our first date. The Third realised his feelings for me pretty much from day one - it took me a while to catch up. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way The Third did. It’s something I won’t soon forget. You know that look? The way someone looks at you like you’re the most wonderful person in the world? Yeah, that was the look. To be showered with so much care and affection was overwhelming off the back of an incredibly toxic relationship, and I was wary of diving in head first for fear of having it all thrown back in my face. I struggled with verbalising my feelings, convincing myself that physical expression was safer than saying anything at all. By the time I realised I loved him, it was too late. The Third assumed that what we had wasn’t going anywhere, and that was largely due to his uncertainty around how I felt about him. I get it. Why would you want to invest all your time, effort and energy into someone who you’re not convinced feels the same way? He deserved someone who didn’t keep him guessing, and I just couldn’t be that person when he wanted - I wasn’t ready to be. I am so grateful for The Third. He helped me to re-learn how loved I am and can be. He taught me a very important life lesson in that you should never be afraid to say what you’re feeling - there’s nothing to lose, but potentially so much to gain. When I meet someone who I develop such feelings for again, I won’t make that same mistake. The Fourth Okay, so I said I’d loved three people. I wasn’t lying, but there is another for which my love continues to grow the more I get to know them: me. Sometimes I think we spend too much time trying to love others that we forgot to love ourselves in the process. This year, I’m making it my personal mission to treat, care for, and love myself more than ever before, to stop comparing my journey to others, and to just embrace the ebbs and flows of life. I’m proud of the person I am, and the person I’m becoming. My pathway has never been paved, but each and every day I’m working towards creating the best life for myself that I can. A life that one day I’ll be able to look back on and smile about, knowing that I did what I set out to do, all while being the best possible me I could be.
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B is:A 26-year-old tea drinking writer of words trying to find her place in the world.
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April 2020
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